LPC 12 Medley 1
Hello, Human Head. Ya got anything by Hobo Barf up 'ere? (Strange sound effects start and continue for length of call) I'm not sure. Uh, we don't have everything cataloged. I can look online for you, if we have that listed in our inventory. Yeah. Sure. Wait. What? (laughter). Hobo Barf. Split E.P. with Basilica Gel that I was lookin' for. ("Gel" echos). Wait, what are you doing? How are you making those noises? Ohhhhhhh, right? Priscilla Jones? You want Priscilla Jones? No, they're called Basilica Gel. (Down pitched effect) So what do ya got in stock? (Laughs) Oh my god. Tyler? Is this Tyler? (Low pitched effect) Hi, this is Dicky Lipton. (Laughs) Oh my god. I gotta ring people up man. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. (store employee imitates sound effect) Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy. This is great. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. (store employee imitates sound effect) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (hang up sound) - (ring) Hello, Jazz Record Mart. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. Hello? You guys do consignment up 'ere? Consignment? Uh, not today, You'll have to come in and speak to one of the managers. R.T. or Kent would be the one to talk to. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. What is that? (Low pitched effect) Who? (Louder) R.T. or Kent! Do you have like a pack of wild dogs in the background or something man? (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. You don't allow dogs you're saying, right. (echo: allow dogs you're saying). Not generally, no. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. Ok man. (hang up sound) - (ring) Hello? Hi, yeah, I'm Frederick Frick, I got your number from Chaplain Crabtree. I'm just trying to get distribution for our band. Did you just call a second ago. No I did not. Ok. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. YES, you did! We're musical gnomes. We're called Wallet-sized Wildfire. Don't call again. Bye. (hang up) - (ring) Jazz Record Mart. Hi, yeah, I got a local band, we're looking to get some distribution. The buyers here are banker's hours, he's gonna be here Monday through Friday... (high pitch effects) Ohhh, yeah? ...I'm just a clerk. Are you gonna stand by your remarks, when I call back at that hour? What remarks? Or is this just a big Ho-Ax up 'ere? I didn't talk to anybody. I talked to that other guy maybe, but I haven't spoken to anybody before today... (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. ...so it doesn't really matter. What do you want, you're gonna sell a record to us? (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. Yeeeeeaaaah! The buyers here, the buyer's the guy who does that. I'm not allowed to. (Low pitched effect) Ahhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhh. Bye. (hang up sound) - (ring) Jazz Record Mart. I'm calling from Doctor Fiddlesticks. We got a juke box up 'ere, and we're trying to stock the thing. It didn't come with any vinyl. We got some, yeah. But it's been gone over quite a bit, I mean, our 45 vinyl, it's been sucked dry. (high pitched sound effect, then low pitched "Yeeeeeahhhhh"). Bye. (Hang up sound). - (ring) Hello, Vortex here. (Very high pitched effect) Woahhhhhhhhhhh. Good day. What's happening? I'm Frederick Frick, I'm interested in entering into a gentlemen's agreement with 'ye. Uh, huh, yes, ok. What would this agreement entail? (high pitched) I'm a local band. We're called Wallet-sized Wildfire. (low pitched sounds). We're gnomes. And I think that really sets us apart. We're looking to get some distribution. Ok, no, I'm not up for it. Thanks, I'm sorry I gotta go now. Bye bye. We're the only gnomes in the area, though. (hang up sound) -- INCOMPLETE TRANSCRIPTION - Missing 3:20 - 4:20 of track -- (ring) Wade! Wade! Hello? Wade! Who is this. Marcus. Marcus who? Wade? Yeah. What's up? (echo up, up, up). I'm gonna block this number dude, I don't even know you. You can block it all you want. (hang up). - (ring) Hello? Hey, what's cookin'? Goin' on up 'ere? Hey, I'm about to block this number too, dude. Well, good, I don't want to talk to you anyhow. Well I don't even know...who is this? The chauffeur. The chauffeur of what? The car. Do you think I hand out fishing licences? I'm a teamster. So (echo so,so,so,so,so)... Fucking automated, this is an automated machine? I'm gonna automate your teeth. Automatically knock 'em out, when I see ya. It'll be tough dude, I wish you would show up at this fucking job site, and I'll beat the fucking brakes off ya. I'm gonna block this number too, you fucking idiot. I don't want to talk to you anyhow, tough guy. (echo). Your voice is dumb sounding. (echo). Holy fuck. - (NOTE: in the below calls, there are times when nothing explicitly identifies the voice of Alex Trebek, but if it sounds like him, it is labeled as such). (Ring) (Man’s voice) Hello? (Alex Trebek) Yes? Hello? Yes? Oh, okay, it sounded like the phone disconnected. Wait a minute, did your phone ring? No, but I heard a ring. You heard it ring? Yeah. Okay, you’re not calling anybody (LPC SFX in background). Ah, you just called me, didn’t you? No, (LPC SFX continue) there’s, there’s somebody who’s managed to learn how to cross connect different phones so that people in different areas have their phones ring at the same time. And, uh, they all wonder what the hell’s going on, so...somebody’s having fun at our expense. Where are you? I’m in Southern California. I am too. Oh, okay, well, hopefully they’ll get tired of screwing with us. (LPC with lots of effects) It’s just too bad. I can’t really imagine. (Alex) Yeah. Who’s that other voice. (LPC) Huh? (Lots of effects) (Alex) Okay! (LPC) I can’t figure it out. (Alex) I can’t either. (LPC) I can’t figure it out. (SFX) What’s that now? (new call sound). - (Ring) (Alex) Hello? (Wax Museum) Hi, I guess they transferred me to you. I, I’m part of the Hollywood Wax Museum. (Alex) Oh, okay. (WM) And I guess you were trying to get a, a wax figure made? (Alex) I was? Who transferred you? (WM) Uh, Rocky. (Alex) Rocky said this? (WM) That’s what Rocky said. (Laughs) (Alex) Yeah, are you sure you got the right person? Who are you calling? (WM) I, I spoke to Rocky, and he said that he was gonna transfer me to you. I guess to do a wax figure of you, for Alex. And pretty much just to get some more information on it. (Alex) Well, who wants a wax image of me? (WM) Rocky. (Alex) Rocky does? (WM) Yeah, that’s what he said. (Alex) Hmmm. Ah, well, you’ve taken me completely by surprise, I know nothing about this, so… (WM) (Laughs) Sorry. I heard about it. I, I know that he’s been calling a couple time to see if it’s something that we can do. (Alex) Yeah, let me talk to Rocky about this and find out (LPC SFX start) what’s going on. (WM) (LPC SFX continue) Okay, will do. (Alex) Thank you. (LPC SFX continue to end of call). - (Touch tone dialing sounds) (LPC) Viacom, hello? (LPC sfx start) (Alex) Uhh, Viacom? Boy did I misdial. Sorry about that. (LPC) Yes, sir, who are you trying to reach here? (Alex) Uh, I’m trying to dial an outside line. (LPC) Uh, apparently you’re trying to procure a sculpture. (Alex) No. (No I’m not) (LPC) Who am I speaking with? (Alex) You’re speaking with Alex Trebek, and I’m not trying to secure anything. So, I will try again. (LPC) Yes, sir. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Pro Drum. (LPC playing audio from previously made calls) “I’ve just got tons and tons of songs and arrangements, and I’ve got ‘em for every style: Latin, Rock, Jazz, you know, just amazing man.” You got it all? “I can mix different styles. I can put in like a jazz thing with a rock thing with a flamenco thing. It’s just crazy man, It’s like endless, you know, with all the different styles.” That’s awesome! (unintelligible) “...records, man.” Fuckin’ awesome! “You know I could start working with other singers and tell them ‘look, you got to pay me hundreds of thousands of dollars to do this, and it’s like, you know…(laughs)”. (Laughs) What’s going on? “I’ve just recently found that you can mix tempos. I put four four tempos into sixteenth tempos (LPC drums sounds start).” Fuck yeah, three against four. Two against two. One on one. That's some great basketball games. “You know, just because it sounds better. Let me play you something real quick, just so you get an idea. (LPC Saxophone SFX start). Wait a minute, I don’t have it plugged in. (Sax and drums sounds). Now let’s see, what was I gonna do? Ch,ch, ch, ch, ch. Oh yeah man, I just don’t have it recorded.” Well you gotta get on that. “I’ve got some rock things I’ve done in the past, with heavy metal and like punk music.” Right? “Oh, you’ll absolutely, oh yeah the rock thing, that’s easy. That’s like a piece of cake. (Sax sounds).” Two and four. Two and four, take the money, go home. “Yeah, I do mostly jazz, ‘cause that’s the hard shit. You know, where they’re playing something, you know, different every beat. And different inversions and chords, I mean that’s some hard shit. And then playing like Elvin Jones, you know?” Swinging Elvin. “But rock and roll is just dun-nuh-duh-duh-duh. (Laughs)”. (Laughs) Two and four. Alright, well I gotta run. “And you got, a lot of country, and then you can mix country stuff with the rock and roll, you can actually put in hip-hop and you gotta experiment around, you know.” Got it. Alright. “I mix things up a lot. I put different time signature instruments in with different time signature instruments. Put a different drummer on, or a different piano player, or a different guitar player.” Yeah, fuck yeah. Cool, cool. Go on and let me know when you come on in, alright? “You know?" - (End of track)